


Take It to the Limit

by pcrrycox



Category: Scrubs (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Trans JD, eventual OT3, no one on this show is straight
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-16
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-28 03:05:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15698856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pcrrycox/pseuds/pcrrycox
Summary: JD is attacked and goes to Perry and Ben for help.





	Take It to the Limit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [adventurouswallflower (destieldearie)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/destieldearie/gifts).



> Okay, so everyone can blame Amanda (adventurouswallflower) for this - well, and me too, but whatever. Anyway, some notes about this fic, since it's pretty different (ship-wise) from anything I've written before:
> 
> 1) Ben x Perry is such a good pairing and while I sorta kinda shipped it before Amanda and I started routinely screaming at each other via tumblr messaging, she ignited the fire in my cold, dead heart and I Have Seen the Light.  
> 2) As usual, JD is trans in this fic.  
> 3) As the tags state, this will eventually be OT3, so if that's not your jam, feel free to move along, but I am absolutely pumped for it.   
> 4) I really like comments and kudos so y'know. Do the thing? Or at least come scream at me on the blue hellsite about this or about JDox or about Ben x Perry or about cats because... cats.  
> 5) Anyway, I expect this fic to have one more big-ass chapter similar to this first one, but don't count on me for like, regular updates or anything. You knew what you were getting into when you clicked on this.  
> 6) Lots of backstory in this first chapter, but this is sort of our own personal canon (which changes frequently) which is honestly a lot more in-depth than I've even written it here lmao

              JD wasn’t sure how, but he made it to Perry’s apartment.  He winced as he raised his hand and knocked on the door, still not entirely sure why he’d decided to haul himself there rather than going back to the hospital or even to his own apartment.  Well, that was a lie.  He hadn’t gone back to the hospital because this was _private_.  He didn’t need people he worked with on a daily basis to know what had happened, to poke and prod him when all he wanted was to curl up and be left alone.  He hadn’t gone home because Turk was there, and probably Carla, too, and they would just freak out and Turk would hover and be overprotective and get angry and Carla would probably cry, and he just couldn’t handle it. 

              That was how JD found himself leaning heavily against Perry’s doorframe, struggling to take a deep breath and stay upright.  He could feel blood trickling down his forehead and was concerned he actually had a few broken ribs on top of who knew what else.  Perry opened the door a few moments later and his expression rapidly shifted from polite annoyance to genuine concern.  JD wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say, but it was apparent that Perry didn’t need him to say anything.  He was beside JD in a moment, supporting him and helping him over to the couch.

              “Ben,” Perry called as he got JD situated.  “Can you grab me the first aid kit from the bathroom?  And bring a couple towels.”

              Ben poked his head out from the hallway, looking confused, but upon spotting JD and the state he was in, he was quick to do as he was asked.  Perry took JD’s face in his hands, looking him over for facial wounds and to see how coherent he was.  “Newbie, what the hell happened to you?” Perry asked in a soft voice.

              “I’m sorry,” JD whimpered, wincing when Perry found the cut on his head that was responsible for the blood on his face.  “I didn’t know where else to go.”

              Perry shushed him gently, looking up when Ben returned with the first aid kit.  He thanked Ben and began to work at cleaning JD up.  He wiped away the blood from his face, revealing a few scratches and a black eye.  “Who did this?” Perry asked, pausing for a moment and looking into JD’s eyes.  “Come on, kid, you can tell me.”

              JD shook his head as tears sprang into his eyes.  “I – I don’t know, I couldn’t see…”

              Ben waved his hand, signaling Perry to stop.  Wordlessly, he communicated to Perry that now was not the time to berate JD for information when he was clearly still so upset.  Perry sighed, but knew that Ben was right.  “All right,” Perry said, maintaining a gentle tone of voice, though he felt anything but calm.  He wanted to know who had done this to JD because anyone who would hurt someone so _good_ , so _kind_ …  It was beyond him, but he knew that if he ever found out who was responsible for this, he would kill them.

              “Where else does it hurt?” Perry asked after a long silence during which he cleaned up the cuts on JD’s head and stopped the bleeding. 

              “My ribs,” JD whispered.  “I don’t know if they’re broken or just bruised.”

              Perry tried not to cringe when he lifted JD’s shirt enough to see his side.  It was obvious JD had been attacked, but already bruises were spreading across his pale skin.  “Jesus,” Perry said under his breath, glancing up at Ben and sharing a significant, worried look.  “Newbie, are you sure you don’t want me to take you in?”

              “Please, no,” JD moaned, having a hard time keeping his eyes open.  “No, I don’t want to go to the hospital.”

              “All right, all right,” Perry sighed.  “Well, you’re not going anywhere else tonight, so you can sleep in the guest room.  You certainly need the rest.”

              JD nodded, forcing his eyes open.  “Thank you,” he murmured.  “I – I’m really sorry I involved you guys in this.  I just didn’t know –”

              Perry held up a hand.  “JD, don’t worry about that.  Come on, let’s get you up.” 

              JD gritted his teeth and, with Perry on one side and Ben on the other, he made it to his feet.  Absently, he registered how surprised he was that Ben hadn’t tried to diffuse the tension with jokes.  Maybe he looked even worse than he felt.  He leaned on Perry as they made their way down the hall; Ben had gone ahead of them, flipping on lights and pulling the blankets back to make room for JD.  With some difficult maneuvering and one long pause during which JD yelped and sucked in a sharp breath and Perry cringed, he was finally situated in the full bed in Perry’s and Ben’s guest bedroom.

              “There,” Ben said quietly while Perry sat down on the edge of the bed, “all tucked in.  Can I get you anything?”

              “No thanks,” JD replied, breathless.  “I really appreciate you guys letting me stay here.”

              Ben gave JD a warm smile, something about it so intrinsically Ben that it helped put JD at ease.  “Don’t mention it.  I’m gonna head to bed, Per.”  He bent down to peck Perry’s cheek as he passed by and Perry watched him go before turning back to JD.

              “We’re just down the hall,” he said, looking at JD with a strange expression that he’d never seen on Perry before.  “If you need anything at all, just call out, okay?”

              JD nodded, though knowing that he would soon be left alone made his chest ache – and not from the injuries he’d sustained.  “Okay,” he replied in a small voice.  “Just… thank you.  Thank you.”

              Perry patted JD’s leg and gave him a small, tense smile.  “You don’t have to keep thanking us, Newbie.  You sure I can’t get you anything before I go to bed?”

              “Yeah, I’m sure,” JD said, figuring Perry would probably think it was childish if he asked him to stay with him a little longer.  Plus, he couldn’t separate him and Ben.  He would just have to buck up and try not to close his eyes because every time he did, everything replayed in his mind.  “Goodnight, Perry.”

              “Goodnight, kiddo.” Perry moved to the doorway, pausing to look back at JD before he turned the light off.  He left the door open a little, figuring that in case JD did need them for something, he’d have a better chance of hearing him. 

              He walked down the hall to the bedroom he and Ben had shared since they moved into the apartment and sat down at the foot of the bed.  Ben walked out of the master bathroom and kneeled on the bed beside him, putting a hand on Perry’s shoulder and squeezing gently.  “How you holding up?” he asked, looking down at Perry’s face, at the line of worry etched into his brow.

              Perry shrugged and dragged a hand down his face.  “Who the hell would do something like that to someone like him?” he muttered.  “He couldn’t even hurt a fly – there’s no way he put up much of a fight, either.  If I could just find out who it was –”

              Ben gently shushed Perry, moving his arm around his shoulders and pulling him to his chest.  “We can’t change it,” he reminded Perry.  “Much as we wish we could.  I don’t like seeing him like that any more than you do, but all we can do now is help him through the aftermath.  And it’s probably gonna be one hell of an aftermath if I had to guess.”

              Perry cursed under his breath as he tried to take comfort in Ben’s arms around him.  “He is the last damn person something like this should happen to.  I mean, it shouldn’t happen to anyone…  And look, I get why he didn’t go to the hospital, I really do, but why not go home?  Gandhi and Carla would have taken just as good care of him, probably done a better job of comforting him, too.  Doesn’t make any sense.”

              “Don’t you see it?” Ben asked, pulling back so he could look Perry in the eyes.  “He feels safe with you, Per.  He trusts you.  Don’t take that lightly.”

              Perry blinked, realizing the weight that Ben’s words held.  “Suppose you’re right,” he sighed as he stood and began dressing for bed.  He slipped off his clothes, opting for scrub bottoms and a t-shirt rather than just the boxers he usually slept in.  He already had a feeling he wouldn’t be sleeping and on nights like that, he took to pacing around the apartment.

              “Come here,” Ben murmured, patting Perry’s side of the bed.  He waited until Perry was lying beside him in the dark and then scooted closer until his head was resting on Perry’s shoulder.  “I love you, you know?” he breathed, closing his eyes.

              “I know, Benji,” Perry whispered, turning his head to press a kiss to Ben’s forehead.  “I love you, too.  I just… I love you.”  He sighed and closed his eyes, feeling the words he wanted to say pressing on his chest.  Ben helped to lighten the load, usually without even trying, but the thought that JD was lying in the next room, in pain and understandably upset, was hard to shake, especially with the circumstances being what they were.  It didn’t take a genius to figure out why JD had been attacked; he had never explicitly come out to Perry, but he wasn’t deaf and working as closely as he did with JD, he had learned to read between the lines.

              Perry tried in vain for hours to fall asleep, but sleep never came.  Ben was snoring softly into his pillow, one hand reaching toward Perry even in sleep.  Perry was still watching Ben with a practiced tenderness when he heard footsteps move down the hall and into the kitchen.  He wasn’t surprised that JD couldn’t sleep either.  He bounced his leg anxiously, wondering if he should go check on JD, see if he needed anything.  He didn’t even realize Ben had stopped snoring until he spoke.

              “Would you just go check on him?” Ben mumbled, sounding as though he was still half-asleep.  “You’re vibrating the bed and normally I wouldn’t mind, but since I don’t think you’re in the mood…”

              “Go back to sleep,” Perry murmured, carding his fingers through Ben’s hair before he slid out of bed.  He made his way toward the kitchen quietly, though he didn’t want to startle JD.  The younger man’s back was to him when he walked in, filling up a glass with water at the sink.  When he turned, he jumped violently, spilling half the water.

              “I’m sorry,” JD said quickly, looking shaken as he searched for something to wipe up the water. 

              “It’s fine, Newbie,” Perry assured him, grabbing a towel from the oven handle and bending down to clean up.  “I didn’t mean to scare you.”

              “Just a little jumpy, I guess,” came JD’s mumbled response.

              Perry frowned as he set the towel down on the counter.  “Why don’t we go sit down?” he suggested.  “How’re you feeling?”

              JD followed Perry out into the living room and carefully lowered himself down onto the couch.  “I’ve been better,” he admitted, looking down at his lap.  “Look, I’m really sorry.  I messed up your whole evening…”

              “JD, stop that,” Perry said sternly, though his expression made it clear he wasn’t actually angry.  “You did the right thing by coming to us for help.  You’re safe here.”  He ached to do something more tangible to ease JD’s pain, to take away the frightened expression on his face and the shaking in his hands, but he wasn’t sure what that something was.  He wasn’t sure he should try to touch JD; even a hand on the shoulder was likely to make him jump.  Perry figured if he couldn’t physically comfort JD, he would have to keep trying with words.      

              “I don’t know if you know this, but I came out here for college and that’s where I met Ben.  When it came time for me to start applying to med schools, I didn’t want to go anywhere but California.  But Ben knew that if I could get accepted into a better school, even if it was across the country, that I should go for it.  So I applied to Johns Hopkins, got accepted, and he came with me.  I never wanted to go back out East – a long story for another day – but we did and for a while, things were fine.  We never thought much of holding hands or just… casually touching each other when we were in public.  We were too used to California, I think, the way this area tends to be a little more progressive.  And one night, later in my first year of med school, we were leaving a bar and heading home and we – we got jumped.  And Ben and me, we’re both pretty big guys – we didn’t think anything of it, just started fighting back, but then Ben took a punch and he – he stumbled…”

Perry trailed off and cleared his throat, and JD looked over at him, realizing that it was the first time he’d gotten such an honest rundown of a part of Perry’s life, and such a personal one at that.  “I couldn’t hold my own against the two of them, and eventually they got bored and left us lying on the sidewalk.  I managed to get us to the nearest hospital and the cops were called, but we didn’t have descriptions of the guys, so there wasn’t really a case.  Newbie, I still have nightmares about it.  That… helpless feeling, seeing Ben lying there bleeding… It wasn’t so unlike the way you looked when you showed up tonight.  And I don’t like seeing you this way anymore than I did Ben.”

              JD swallowed hard against the lump in his throat.  “I had no idea,” he whispered, holding the glass of water in his hand so tightly his knuckles were white.  “I’m so sorry, Perry.  If I’d known, I wouldn’t have –”

              “No, no, JD, that’s not what I’m saying,” Perry said quickly.  “I’m glad you came to us.  We’ll take care of you.  Hell, I… I like having you around.”

              JD looked up at Perry and resisted the urge to chew on his lip – it was split open already and he didn’t need to add to his injuries.  “Can I tell you something?”

              “Anything,” Perry said readily, not once breaking eye contact with JD.

              “I’m transgender,” JD said after a deep breath.  “And I’m bi.  I… There’ve been a few times where I wanted to tell you, but I’m never 100 percent sure with anyone.  I figured since you’ve been with Ben so long, but not everyone is always open-minded.  It’s not something I try to advertise because then I’m _that_ doctor and I just want people to know me for _me_.  It’s a fine line to have to walk.”

              Perry blinked, touched that JD trusted him enough to share that part of himself.  “Doesn’t change a damn thing in my eyes, I can promise you that,” he replied, managing a small smile.  “You’re still Newbie to me.  Long as you want to be, anyway.”

              JD nodded in response before taking a sip of his water.  The two of them sat for several minutes in a comfortable silence until JD’s breath hitched with a sob.  There was no warning, but before Perry knew what he was doing, he was gathering JD up in his arms and rubbing his back in an attempt to soothe him.

              “It’s okay, you’re okay,” Perry murmured, knowing that this was part of the process.  JD had to let his emotions out, let them run their course, as part of the path to healing. 

              “I just don’t know what I did,” JD cried, burying his face farther into Perry’s shoulder.  “What did I do to make him want to hurt me?”

              Perry nearly lost it right then.  He pulled back and took JD’s face in his hands.  “Don’t you _ever_ think that way,” he said fiercely.  “This was _not_ your fault.”

              JD’s face crumpled even more as Perry pulled him back into his arms.  He knew it wasn’t rational, logical, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that if he’d done something different, he wouldn’t be here, broken and crying on Perry’s couch.  If he hadn’t stopped at the store after work, or if he’d left just a few minutes earlier and hadn’t spent so much time in the chip aisle, he would have missed his attacker completely.  Each sob hurt his ribs even more, but he let Perry rock him a little as he whispered soft words that were meant to comfort him.  He didn’t know what else to do other than cry it out because he couldn’t go back and change the past as badly as he wanted to.  But Perry’s arms around him felt good, made him feel safe, and after a while, his sobs began to quiet.

              It wasn’t until he’d nearly cried himself to sleep that he felt another hand on his shoulder, rubbing in soft, comforting circles.  JD thought for a second he should feel guilty that he must have woken Ben up – and kept Perry from him – but he was slipping closer and closer to sleep.  He could hear the two of them having a whispered conversation, but didn’t bother trying to listen in.  Sleep had come for him and he went with it willingly.

              Perry looked up at Ben, certain that JD had finally fallen asleep, as Ben slowly drew his fingers through Perry’s hair.  “I hate seeing him like this,” he whispered.

              Ben shook his head.  “Me too.  But this is exactly what he needs right now.”

              Perry sighed and looked down at JD’s sleeping form.  Wordlessly, he heaved himself to his feet and carried JD back to bed, grateful that he seemed to be quite a heavy sleeper.  Ben followed him and waited in the doorway, watching as Perry took care to pull the covers back over JD’s body.  Silently, they made their way back into the kitchen and watched the sun rise through the window, leaning into each other for unspoken comfort. 

              They both lost track of time, sitting at the kitchen table with their chairs butted right up against each other.  Perry glanced at the clock and sighed.  He’d gotten no sleep and was emotionally exhausted, but the hospital was still there, waiting. 

              “I have to go,” Perry said softly, closing his eyes when Ben ran a hand through his hair. 

              “I’ll take care of him,” Ben promised, pressing a soft kiss to Perry’s lips.  “Call me later?”

              Perry kissed him again, lingering against Ben’s lips for a long moment.  “I will.  I’ll see you tonight.”

              Ben smiled softly and patted Perry’s cheek before he stood and walked Perry out.  “Per?” he said when Perry was halfway out the door.

              “Yeah?”

              “I love you,” Ben said.  He could be difficult to read, but Perry had known him long enough to know that the carefully guarded expression on his face was holding back something much more vulnerable. 

              “Oh, Benji,” Perry said under his breath, turning back around and pulling Ben into his arms, simply holding him for a long moment there in the doorway.  “Me too.” 

              Before Perry could be talked into staying – not that Ben would ever ask him to – he turned and walked away, knowing he’d be thinking of Ben and JD all day.

 

* * *

 

 

              It was hours before JD woke up.  He surfaced from the quiet bliss of sleepless dreaming, and for several minutes was able to forget about everything that happened the night before.  As soon as he moved to stretch his stiff, tired limbs, he winced and sucked in a sharp breath, and as easy as it had been to forget, everything came rushing back.  All the kicks and punches and horrible, foul words… they were rattling around in his brain and he tensed as if bracing for another blow. 

              He knew that if he laid in bed any longer, the cycle would just repeat and he would panic, feel like he couldn’t breathe.  It already felt like there was a weight on his chest, but he forced himself out of bed and into the bathroom.  He avoided looking in the mirror, not wanting to see himself.  He knew he should go home, face Turk and Carla, but Perry and Ben provided a good distraction, and while he was not happy to know they’d gone through something similar, it helped to know that they truly understood.

              JD splashed cold water on his face and then dried it carefully; his eyes felt puffy, but he wasn’t sure if that was because of all the tears he’d shed or if he had a black eye.  With his luck, it was probably both, but he didn’t think he could stomach seeing his own reflection.  Taking as deep a breath as he could manage against the pain in his ribs, he left the bathroom and headed for the living room.  He was surprised to see only Ben there, but then realized that Perry must have had to work that morning. 

              “Uh, morning,” JD said, feeling as though he should announce his presence.

              Ben looked over his shoulder and gave JD a warm, genuine smile.  “Afternoon, actually,” he replied.  “You hungry?”

              JD nodded; he hadn’t gotten a chance to eat after his shift and hadn’t felt like eating by the time he’d made it to their apartment.  “I don’t want to impose,” he said weakly, knowing that it was pointless to argue, that Ben would insist he eat something.

              Ben rolled his eyes as he walked into the kitchen, gesturing for JD to follow.  “Sit,” he said nodding toward the kitchen table.  “You like eggs?”

              “Yeah,” JD said, sinking down onto the wooden chair.  “Thanks.  For everything.”

              “I told you last night,” Ben said conversationally as he pulled out a pan and set it on the stove.  “Don’t mention it.  You did the right thing by coming here, JD, and we’re damn sure gonna take care of you.”

              JD managed a small smile, secure in the knowledge that he was safe with Ben and that he wasn’t putting them out.  He found it was a little easier to relax in the warmth of the kitchen with the sunlight filtering in through the windows.  He’d never spent so much time here, and he assumed the subtle touches that made the apartment feel homey were Ben’s doing as Perry didn’t strike him as one for interior décor. 

              Before he knew it, Ben was sliding a plate of eggs in front of him, along with a fork and a glass of orange juice.  “Dig in,” Ben prompted, sitting down across the table from JD.

              JD did as he was told and, surprising even himself, wolfed down the eggs in record time.  “Guess I was hungrier than I thought,” he said sheepishly as he downed the rest of his juice. 

              “I can make some more,” Ben chuckled.

              JD shook his head and waved his hands.  “No, I’m good, I swear.  Thank you, though.  Sorry, not supposed to thank you anymore.”

              “I’ll let this one slide,” Ben said with a wink as he cleared the table of JD’s dirty dishes.  “Why don’t we head out into the living room?  Couch is probably comfier than these chairs.”

              “Sounds good to me,” JD agreed, slowly rising up out of the chair.  “I’m not used to moving this slow,” he commented as Ben led him back into the living room. 

              Ben gave him a sad sort of smile.  “Rest is the best thing for you right now.  I know that and I’m not even a doctor.”

              JD snorted.  “And yet such sage advice,” he teased.

              “Hey, sit tight,” Ben said suddenly before darting down the hall toward his and Perry’s bedroom. 

              JD looked after him, momentarily confused.  He brushed it off and instead focused on the room around him.  He hadn’t been in the right state of mind last night to appreciate it, but just like the kitchen, it felt homey while still being modern and updated.  Everywhere he looked, there were reminders of Perry’s and Ben’s relationship.  Pictures were scattered here and there, on walls and on shelves, among other mementos, of which JD didn’t know the meaning.

              Ben was back in just a few minutes, carrying with him a glorified shoebox.  “I have a feeling you’re going to love these,” he said, a smile on his face so genuine that JD couldn’t help but smile in response.

              “What are they?” JD asked as Ben handed him the box.  Ben didn’t answer, just gestured for him to open it.  JD took the lid off and let out a whoosh of breath.  “Oh wow,” he murmured.  The box was filled with black and white polaroids that chronicled Ben’s life with Perry, who was in the vast majority of the pictures, sometimes with Ben and sometimes without.  “These are amazing, Ben.”

              “I like it,” Ben said quietly, watching as JD handled the pictures with care, “because it’s one quick flash and then it’s over.  I can still remember when all these pictures were taken, but I only ever take one at a time.  That way I’m still in the moment.  I’m still with him.”

              “You’re pretty big on that, living in the moment,” JD remarked, glancing up at Ben as he sifted through the pictures. 

              Ben smiled wryly.  “Story for another time,” he said, reaching in and picking out a photograph.  “But yeah, I am.  Like this one.  This was when Perry was studying for his MCAT.”  He held up the picture for JD to see; it showed Perry hunched over a stack of books, one hand threaded into his hair, a look of deep concentration on his face.  He looked a great deal younger, but there was no mistake that it was Perry.

              “God, it’s so weird to see him like this,” JD breathed, looking more closely at the picture.  “Before he was Dr. Cox.”

              “He’s always been just Perry to me,” Ben said with a small laugh.  “Not that I mean _just_ Perry, because he’s not _just_ anything.”

              “No, he’s not, is he?” JD agreed, moving to the next photograph, which was one of both of them that Ben had taken with his arm outstretched.  Ben appeared to have turned his head to kiss Perry’s cheek at the last moment and Perry was smiling, more widely than JD had ever seen, and the love and happiness that they exuded was tangible even now.  “You guys are really good together.  I can see how much you love each other.”

              Ben grinned as he looked down at the picture.  “Falling in love with him was the easiest thing I’ve ever done,” he said softly.  “Beneath all that bluster, he’s a really sweet guy.  He’d do anything for me, and I’d do the same for him.”

              JD felt a warmth wash over him at Ben’s declaration and for the next several hours, he and Ben looked at the old photos and made conversation about things that didn’t really matter, though they served to continue distracting JD from what he’d gone through.  It wasn’t until late afternoon had turned into evening that they both quieted for a moment before Ben broke the silence once again.

              “He told you about what happened that night, didn’t he?” he asked in a quiet voice, looking over at JD. 

              “Yeah, he did,” JD admitted.  He didn’t want Ben to feel as though he was intruding on their private life, but he didn’t seem to mind.  “I’m sorry you know what it’s like.  I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.”

              Ben gave him a wistful smile.  “Getting the shit kicked out of me didn’t hurt nearly as much as seeing how it broke Perry.  To this day, he still thinks it’s somehow _his_ fault.  The attack, that I tripped, all of it.  That big Irish lug may not seem all that great at feelings, but being that helpless and scared wasn’t something he wanted to experience again…  Why d’you think he works out so much?  Don’t get me wrong, I do like the muscles, but it’s so he doesn’t have to feel that helpless again.”

              JD couldn’t hide his shock that Ben was sharing so much with him.  He knew that Perry had had a difficult childhood, though he didn’t know the specifics – and wasn’t sure he wanted to – but he’d never assumed that he and Ben had ever been through anything like he had. 

              “I’m only telling you this because it’s something you need to hear,” Ben continued.  “It’s a terrible thing, what happened to you, but you can’t let it change you.  The world needs more people like you.”

              JD blinked rapidly at the tears that were threatening to fall, but Ben spoke again before he could reply.

              “But at least I got this cool scar out of the deal,” he said cheerfully, brushing the hair off his forehead to reveal a scar near his temple.  “See, it looks like New Jersey.”

              JD managed a weak laugh as he inspected the scar.  “It totally does,” he agreed, his voice still wavering. 

When JD excused himself to the bathroom shortly after, he finally looked at himself in the mirror.  The black eye was manageable, the cuts would heal quickly, but the bruises on his side were a different story.  Still, he lifted his shirt to really look at them, and though they were just forming, he thought if he squinted a little bit, it sort of looked like Rowdy.  He knew eventually he’d have to go home and face Turk and Carla, answer their questions and deal with their frustration and pity, but for now, it was nice to talk to Ben, get to know him, and learn about Perry from the one person who knew him best.

              “I found some more pictures,” Ben announced when JD walked back into the living room.  He had a new, smaller box set on the cushion beside him and was grinning madly.  “You’re gonna love these.”

              JD found he didn’t have to work as hard to return the smile as he had earlier in the day.  “Is Perry going to be mad that you showed me all these?” he asked as he sat back down.

              “No way,” Ben said, waving a hand dismissively.  “I know Perry comes off as a hard-ass, but I know for a fact he’s not that jaded.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that I get to see the real him, but sometimes I wish he let more people in because once you get to know him, you’ll never want to let that guy go.”

              “I’ve been trying to get him to let me in for the last two years,” JD joked, though he wondered if he should be sharing so much about his feelings toward his mentor, whatever sort of feelings they were, with his partner. 

              Ben gave no indication that he had a problem with anything JD had said, and instead pulled out another picture to show.  “I love this one,” he told JD.  “He just found out he got accepted to Johns Hopkins.”

              “He looks so happy,” JD said, knowing that he would have given anything to see Perry that happy.  He was holding what JD assumed was his acceptance letter and just _beaming_ , the curls atop his head perhaps a little fuller and his face a little more youthful. 

              “He was so excited,” Ben confirmed.  “He wasn’t even going to apply until I told him I’d go anywhere with him.  I think it was the first time that he realized that he really could become a doctor and that he’d be damn good at it.”

              JD smiled and pulled a picture at random from the box and his heart swelled when he looked at it.  “When’s this one from?” he asked.  In it, Perry was driving what JD recognized as Ben’s truck, and though he was looking straight ahead at the road, he had Ben’s hand in one of his and had brought it to his lips.  Ben really had a knack for capturing some of the most beautiful, intimate moments of their lives and JD felt truly honored to be a part of them.

              “We roadtripped back across the country when we moved back out here after Baltimore.  We took our time, camped mostly, slept in the back of the truck some nights, ate roadkill.”

              “What?” JD gasped.

              Ben rolled his eyes.  “I’m kidding.  We didn’t sleep in the back of the truck.”

              JD laughed, knowing that the picture had been taken after they’d been attacked, and yet they still looked so happy.  If they were able to get through it and come out on the other side still as happy as they were, maybe he could, too.

 

* * *

 

 

              Ben had been sitting at the edge of the couch for the better part of the last two hours, his elbows resting on his knees.  Perry had gotten home and had offered to drive JD back to his apartment, and Ben knew he was staying to help JD make it through the difficult conversation he needed to have with Turk and Carla.  Ben’s thoughts were all over the place, but they all came back to one common theme: his love for Perry.  Spending the day with JD and reminiscing about their life together had brought such treasured memories back up to the surface and Ben could hardly wrap his mind around how lucky he’d gotten, even after so many years together.  Before they’d found each other, Ben had been in a strange place, feeling so lost and being so fascinated by people but not knowing how to talk to them.  He’d always been quirky and now it worked for him.  Back then, he hadn’t had many friends, but then he’d met Perry, someone who was just as messed up as him, though in different ways, who loved him exactly for who he was.  And he’d never stopped and they’d never looked back.  Even when they’d moved to Baltimore and gotten attacked that first year and a year later when they’d found out Ben had leukemia.  Even when things were so bleak that during the nights when Ben was pretending to be asleep, he could hear Perry pleading desperately to a god he didn’t even believe in.  Even when Ben wanted to stop fighting, he couldn’t because Perry needed him just as much as he needed Perry. 

              Part of Ben wanted to share the Perry he knew with the world, wanted everyone else to see that beneath all the bluster and name-calling that he was really a sweet, loving guy who just had trouble sharing his feelings sometimes.  He knew that the world would never see that side of Perry, not while Perry still clung to his pride so desperately.  But there was hope in JD.  It was obvious Perry cared about him, too, and Ben thought that maybe, just maybe, Perry would end up letting JD in.  There was no denying that JD was a special person and Ben could tell Perry knew it.  And Ben knew that there was nothing greater in this life than knowing Perry just as well as he knew himself.  He couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to know JD that well.

              By the time Perry got back home, shuffling inside and looking downright exhausted, Ben hadn’t moved from his spot on the couch.  “How’d everything go?” he asked, rising up off the couch and wrapping Perry up in his arms. 

              Perry hugged Ben tightly, closing his eyes and reveling in the feeling for a moment.  “He’s okay,” he finally replied.  “At least he will be.  He’s still in pain, of course, and I think his emotions are pretty raw yet, but I have to give Gandhi credit.  Carla I knew would take care of the kid, but Gandhi…  I expected him to go nuts, lose sight of what was important, but after the initial shock of seeing Newbie like that…  He was good, let him explain and cry and just… took care of him.  It’ll take him some time to heal, but I think he’ll be all right.  He’s got some good people behind him.”

              “Yeah, he sure does,” Ben agreed, leading Perry toward the bedroom.  Ben knew he hadn’t slept at all the night before and desperately needed to rest. 

              “He told me about what the two of you did today,” Perry said, stripping down to his boxers.

              Ben smiled as he slid into bed next to Perry, sprawling halfway onto Perry’s chest as he usually did.  “Did he tell you I showed him our nudes?”

              “Benjamin,” Perry said warningly, though Ben knew all too well the teasing, slightly exasperated tone.  “That was really nice, what you did for him.  Said the distraction helped and that you had fun.”

              “He looked so lost when he got up,” Ben sighed, rubbing Perry’s side.  “I had to do _something_.  Think he was a little disappointed you weren’t here, though.”

              Perry ran his fingers in light, nonsensical patters over Ben’s shoulder and back as he stared up at the ceiling through the darkness.  All this had forced him to reevaluate JD’s position in his life.  He knew he felt _something_ for the kid – he wasn’t completely uncaring – but he wasn’t sure quite what it was just yet.  He wasn’t sure how to respond to Ben’s words, but the silence that surrounded them was a comfortable one.  He wasn’t sure how long it was before Ben spoke up again, his lips brushing softly against Perry’s skin as he spoke.

              “Do you ever think about that night?”  He hated to bring it up because they had both done their best to move past it, and for the most part, they had, but it was never going to go away completely.  It was always there, in some way or another, in the backs of their minds and it had most certainly reared its ugly head after what JD had gone through. 

              Perry tensed beneath Ben and closed his eyes, turning his head and hiding his face in Ben’s hair for a moment.  “Yeah,” he whispered.  “Yeah, I do.  And god, Benji, I’m so sorry.”

              Before Perry could carry on any further, Ben shushed him, reaching up to kiss him softly.  “None of that tonight,” he breathed, pulling back to look at Perry’s face in the light that snuck in from behind the curtains. 

              Perry knew it wasn’t his fault, but he couldn’t help but blame himself, even after all these years.  He hadn’t been able to stop making eyes at Ben, touching the small of his back and stealing quick kisses.  He knew it wasn’t his fault, his actions had consequences and those actions had put Ben in danger.  And he’d spent years trying to forgive himself, but he couldn’t.  He’d gotten better at trying not to hate himself too much, but if they ever walked down an alley for any reason, his heart started to race and his palms would sweat.  And it was easier just to let Ben pretend he didn’t know even while he pulled Perry a little closer, just like it was easier for Perry to pretend he didn’t see the glassy look in Ben’s eyes while he reached for him. 

              He looked back at Ben, knowing that he shouldn’t feel so ashamed of being vulnerable and for once, he turned and let Ben hold him until he fell asleep, his dreams swirling with thoughts of both Ben and JD.


End file.
